So many emotions

Started out today with a long walk in the hot sun. The sun was up right away so my morning walk which yesterday was cool and foggy was more of a struggle. I rewarded myself with a frapuccino at the end, but then decided that I did NOT want to sit in the hot sun at the Padres game so I collected Alex a little early and we traded in our usual seats for more expensive seats in the shade. We had a wonderful time. The games in September are so exciting since the team is in the heat of the battle to go to the post season again. We cheered lustily and loudly as the team came back to win the game in the late innings.
Pumped with energy, I dropped off Alex and went in search of poster board, groceries and a b-day gift for my mom. The poster board was for the signs that Alex and I will bring to the game tomorrow. Sept 4th is Mike Piazza’s birthday as the tv guys kindly reminded me the other night and since we have tickets fairly close to home plate it seemed perfect that we should bring a couple of Happy Birthday signs for Mike. Good chance he might actually see them!!
But the shopping actually brought me home feeling stressed over money. I shouldn’t have upgraded the tickets for these two games. This is what I do though. I will have wonderfully disciplined weeks of not spending – then there are things I want to do with Alex or Marcus that makes me throw caution (and fiscal reason) out the window. I am doing it again next month already. I have no business going to Maine! I’m thoroughly stupid – but…people mean more to me than money and I have always gone so I must go. I have got to figure out a way though that I can LIVE and still be smart with my money. Gawd I hate being a grown up!!
Which then transitions me to Marcus calling and telling me he isn’t coming back until the 9th. Argh, sigh, ugh. Yes, I am a strong and independent woman, but I also need my partner here. This is twice in three months that he is gone for a week or more. That’s never happened with us before and I am not handling it well 🙂 Well, not terribly either, but I did heap some guilt on him which I should not have done. It’s his 92 year old grandma and he should spend time with her. I am wrestling with so many things over him. On the one hand I love my independence and I really do know deep down that I am not ready to share my everyday life and home with a husband/boyfriend. But…I think I need hope that he and I will WILL reach that point someday? After awhile I do get tired of being alone. What good are all the pretty rings if the man is not by my side? The random nature of when he is with me and how short that time is…some days it is ok, but others it is not. Today was one of those days! Thankfully he called back so that I could apologize for heaping the guilt.
Then I finished watching Angels in America. And that last scene, when Prior is talking to the audience about those who died and those who didn’t and how they fight on and keep society moving forward so that we don’t forget those who died alone or in shame or in the dark closet, well, sob sob sob as my heart ached for my uncle. Yes indeed we will continue to fight Uncle Jim. Those people who are trying to STOP progress, who want to push people different from them BACK into the shadows will NOT fucking do it in my lifetime.
Oh, and then to pile onto my sadness I do one last check of CNN only to see the news that Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. The Crocodile Hunter! Erik and I watched him ALL the time in the 90s. The love story of he and his wife was so touching and sweet. I would check into their website here and there when my tv viewing was cut down just to see how their children were growing and what he was up to next. I am so sad!! And his wife was not ever there with him (which is so rare and so much of their documentary filming was done together even after the kids were born) He was in Queensland and she was in Africa. Breaks my heart. He had such a light in him. Such a love of life that seemed to take over his soul and spill over to everyone who was with him. Damn.
What a roller coaster of a day. I am really not sure what to make of it.