My dear friend Bill in Portland Maine has been on fire lately with his column on DailyKos. Since I have been somewhat politically minded (and already have Christmas vacation brain), I thought I would share some of his recent writings that struck me as so damn brilliant. Lest you be afraid to be offended, 1 piece is party neutral, 1 piece pretty much rakes both parties over the coals, and the other is, yes, a bit of a poke at the GOP presidential candidates 🙂 Still, what I love about Bill is that he will skewer anyone no matter what party if they so deserve it. Ms Read More will take you to the land of snark and giggles.
While Alex Trebek recuperates from his heart attack, C&J takes the helm…
Republican Candidates for $200, please.
The clue: This candidate said he would be more liberal than Ted Kennedy on gay rights and abortion during a 1994 debate.
Who is Mitt Romney?
Republican candidates for $400.
As mayor, this candidate secretly used taxpayer money to provide free security, chauffer, and dog-walking services to his mistress, then tried to cover it up by sloshing the money around in obscure city accounts and lying about it on national TV.
Who is Rudy Giuliani?
Correct. Pick again.
Republican candidates for $600, please.
[Zippy Zap!] It’s an audio Daily Double! How much would you like to wager?
Three thousand dollars.
Here’s your audio clue: “Anybody seen mah golf cart? Ah need tuh get back to the hotel and lie down for a spell.”
Who is Fred Thompson?
[Ding Ding!] Yes! Well done.
Republican Candidates for $800.
John McCain thought he was being hilarious when he sang “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran,” a takeoff on Beach Boys song.
What is “Barbara Ann”?
Finish up the category for a thousand, please.
The clue: All of the 2008 GOP presidential candidates have avoided mentioning the name of this famous Republican politician lest they embarrass themselves by being linked to his disastrous record.
Who is George W. Bush?
Correct. And that finishes the category. Stay tuned for Final Jeopardy. The category: “Dear God, Please Let Alan Keyes Win the Nomination.” The clue is coming up right after this message from Head-On with Bacon Grease: apply directly to a Republican’s forehead, then release the hounds
The Democratic Leadership’s New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully warm my chair in Congress. And will, to the best of my ability, remember to put my coat on the correct peg in the cloakroom, flush after I go pee or poopies, show up to work fully clothed, brush my teeth twice a day, hold hands when crossing the street, use the plastic safety scissors instead of the sharp ones that the grownups keep in the high-up drawer, give the President all my lunch money, and use my indoor voice at all times.
I promise to collapse, cave and kowtow in the name of political calculation, even when soldiers are dying daily in a war I have the power to stop,
To convince Americans that I lack courage, conviction and common sense in the pursuit of a brass ring that can’t be grabbed for another year,
To do everything in my power to meet the needs of my Republican friends and colleagues across the aisle, lest they get upset with me and give me wedgies. So help me god.
The Republican Leadership’s New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully do whatever the hell I feel like and get away with it. Goddamn this is great. Oh look! There’s a Democrat! Wedgie squad…Go!!!
Thank ya, Jesus!
This last one ties in to my post from yesterday – seems we ALL are ready for Silly Season to end for sure!:
CHEERS to cacophony in the cornfields. For those of you who are just starting to pay attention to what’s going on in Iowa, here’s a brief recap of what you’ve missed:
“Did not!” “Did too!” “Did not!” “Did too!” “Cokehead!” “Question planter!” “Ass.” “Creep.” “Experience!” “Change!” “Experience change!” “Change for a twenty?” “Jerk.” “Corporate-ass kisser!” “If I have to eat another doughnut I’m gonna throw up.” “Me too.” “I can’t feel my toes.” “I said, NO farting in the minivan!” “Smile for the camera!”
Ya hate to see it end.